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Parenting Teenagers

Parenting teenagers can bring joy or frustration.

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The Truth Behind Parenting Teenagers
and other effective parenting teenager strategies.







Could you use a little perspective in your parenting?

How do you know if your parenting efforts are being as effective as they can be?

Click now to visit my blog and together we can look at some of the most common stumbling blocks that happen in nearly every family plus ways to look at those challenges that can make a difference.





There is an old saying that goes something like this.
"Parenting teenagers is a little like trying to nail gelatin to a tree." (Anonymous)

Is that how you're feeling about parenting your teenager?

I understand. My name's Colleen and I've been parenting for over 26 years. Currently I'm on my third teenager. And guess what? I'm having a blast being the parent of a teen.

Let me share with you some mothering concepts that I have learned over the years that can be of tremendous help to you as you are parenting your precious teenager.

Parenting teenagers effectively means understanding your role in their life.


I'm going to put it to you straight, mom or dad. You are not your teen's best friend.


Someday, as adults, perhaps you and your teen can realize that goal...but while your son or daughter is a teen, you have the awesome responsibility and privilege of raising them. That comes before being their friend. And frankly, it's way more important. They can get friends anywhere. You are their only mom or dad. Parenting teenagers is tough!

You do not exist to make your teen feel good about themselves. And your teen does not exist to make you feel good about your parenting abilities, either. Your son or daughter is an independent human being working on being able to fly away and live their own life. Your job as their parent is to guide them through the growing process so they can and will fly away.

Sound scary? Good. Now you're on the right path.

Setting expectations when you are parenting teenagers.


This concept is important throughout all of the years required to raise a child (see my parenting tip page for more information), but takes on special meaning when you are parenting teenagers.

To keep your homelife sane, your teen son or daughter needs you to set clear expectations. In other words, to know how you expect they will behave and be in all types of circumstances. And don't stop there. Tell your teenager why you have those expectations of them, too.. Many studies have shown the correlation between high expectations and better grades...and I have found that to be just the tip of the iceberg when parenting a teenager.

Effective parenting teenager strategies means raising the bar for your teenager. Expect the best from him or her and your teen will work to achieve that best for you. Along the way they will develop self-discipline, initiative, persistence and a host of other character qualities that they will need to survive and thrive in the adult world.

You can do this, mom or dad. I have great confidence in you.

Need an example or what I'm talking about? Okay.

In our home, teenagers take four years of math in high school, whether or not the state or school district requires it. Whether or not they are thinking about a career in the math/science/engineering realm. And our teens take the math courses that personally challenge them. For our family, that means we've had one teenager in math honors courses, one in math Advanced Placement (AP) courses and one in general math courses.

Each teen has struggled, learned, been frustrated, hung in there, thought mom and dad were pushing them too hard, had failures and found successes. All have learned problem-solving skills, analytical thinking, perseverance, self-discipline and that they're capable of more than they think they are.

Believe me, none of them would have kept up the program without their dad and myself guiding, encouraging, supporting, hugging, and requiring them to finish.

Lots of times it was not fun for them or for us. So what? Our job as we parented each teenager was to be the leadership in our family, not make sure everyone had a fun time.

Oh, by the way, we did have lots of fun along the way. Because we often used fun and humor to keep our kids' heads in the game. We were working together as a team. But the fun was not the main focus. Our teenagers knew we wanted only the best for them (we told them so!) and their futures and we were willing to be the 'heavies', when necessary, to get the job done.

Two of our children are adults now and are doing just fine for themselves. They are really wonderful young men to know. One of our daughters is looking at colleges, planning her future. We are enjoying her immensely. You can feel the same way about your teens, too.

Setting boundaries when you are using effective parenting teenager strategies.

Parenting teenagers successfully means your teen will try to go down many paths and your job is to keep guiding them down the paths that are right for them. So there will be tension. That's fine. Put a smile on your face and stay calm. Like I said above, a sense of humor helps. So does having strong boundaries.

Boundaries is less about rules than it is about guidelines. Nevertheless, once you set a boundary, it is up to you as a parent to enforce it. You need to understand that from the time they are toddlers, kids test the boundaries you set for them. That's their job. That's how they learn that you are serious about the things you are teaching them and the ways you are parenting them. You enforcing the boundaries you have set with your kids is how you earn their respect.

How does this earn your teen's respect? Because you are proving you mean what you say. Period.

By the time children are teenagers, though, they need to hear your reasoning behind the boundaries. They do not, however, have to agree with your reasoning in order to comply. You are the parent, remember? Not their best friend.

Parenting teenagers effectively means getting them to drop their walls.

Listening is a vital skill when parenting teenagers.

What you need to know when mothering is that your teenager is paying attention to how you listen to him or her. Do you put down your paper or cell phone when they need to talk? Do you look them in the eye, ask them questions and then be quiet and listen with interest and intensity?

Your teen is craving your attention. He or she is hungry to know you care. No matter what you say...the way your teen knows you really care and can be trusted with the things inside of them is when you give them yourself; your attention and your time.

I can hear you now. You don't have time for the long, drawn-out conversations you hear your teen having with their friends. You're not even sure you want to hear all that stuff.

This is the real deal, mom or dad. If you are parenting a teenager and truly want to have a healthy, productive, enjoyable relationship with your teen, this is where the rubber meets the road in your homelife. Yes, you may need to have those long, drawn-out conversations with your teen. Remember, they want to talk with their friends because their friends make them feel special. How would you like your teenager to be drawn to you in the same way?

Here are more examples.

For one of my kids, I would have to chat and listen for a full 30 minutes before he was ready to let me in and truly share with me. That was the price of admission every time we had a meaningful talk. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

For another one of my kids, building trust means listening to all the drama her life. (Remember the drama when you were a teen?) By listening carefully to the tales of teenage woes from this teen, I am able to guide her as she unravels the complexities in human relationships she is experiencing all around her. And I also have the opportunity to gently point out to her over and over again, that drama in relationships is a choice, not a requirement. Over time, she has been able to choose less drama and encourage her friends to do the same.

Never forget this. If you won't take the time to listen, really listen to your teenagers, they will find someone who will.

Read that again. And again.

Do you really want someone outside your family to be the primary sounding board for your teen? By the way...when it comes to teenagers, the love and respect goes to the one who cares enough to listen. That's just how it works.

The bottom line in all of this is that teenagers require us as parents to really hear them before they are able to hear us. The process is simple and it works. But it does come at a cost that many parents are unwilling to pay.

The cost of time and self.

What will you choose as you are parenting the teenagers in your life?

Enjoying parenting teenagers.


Is it possible to enjoy the process of parenting teenagers? My experience is a hearty yes.

You can build influence in your teenager's precious life.

You can laugh and play together as your teen matures into adulthood, with you as one of their primary guides.

One of the great secrets of parenting a teenager (or any other age child) is to enjoy them.

When you treat your children with respect and love. When you take on your responsibility as the leader in their life. When you look them in the eyes daily and tell them how important they are to you and that they were put on this earth for a vital purpose.

They will grow to hang on your every word. To ponder any and all advice you give them. To value your opinions. To know they are loved and to desire to live a life that will make you proud and them thrilled.

As a parent, your investment is costly and long-term. When you reach the stage when you are parenting teenagers, you can know the bittersweet rewards of successful parenting as your teen becomes more and more independent of you all the while developing a new, adult relationship with you.

Are you up to the challenge of parenting a teen? If you're reading this, then, yes, I'll bet you are.



Educate yourself on what it means to be a parent, whether you are parenting teenagers or have other children, as well. You'll be glad you did.

I highly recommend any of these parenting helps (as with any resources, take what works for your situation and leave the rest):

The Total Transformation

Excellent and extensive parenting training program. Developed for families experiencing behavioral challenges and it works because it does such a clear job of teaching parenting and childhood development fundamentals.

Psychologist John Rosemond

Motivational Speaker Brian Tracy
How to raise happy, healthy, self-confident children

Relationship experts Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

10 Parenting Tips


Comments from visitors to our site:

"After reading the article I have more hope about dealing with my teenager daughter who seems to be angry and mean. And as I am writting to you now I am overwhelmed with mixt emotions. Thank you for your advice."
Sivine

"Thank you for the good information on raising a teenager. My daughter has just turned 13 and I am finding she is changing! I do believe that listening is the key, and I have to remind myself of that! Thank you for reminding me on how to be a good parent."
Lisa




Colleen Langenfeld is a mother with over 29 years of parenting experience and helps other busy moms around the globe at www.paintedgold.com.



Note from Colleen: Remember, I earn my living making excellent recommendations to you, Mom, so when you choose to click any of the links on this website and make a purchase, I may earn a commission.

Naturally, that means I care about what you think! If you try a product or service I recommend, I'd love to hear from you. How else can I keep my recommendations top notch for all my visitors?

And thank you, for stopping by.




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