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How to stop back talking in your child is a crucial question.
Please help! How do I raise my teen or pre-teen?
As a parent, do you have more questions than answers?
Back talk, defiance and disrespect do NOT have to be daily visitors in your home. Start by taking control now.
1. Read through the free short report "Raising Teens". Make sure you are covering the fundamentals in parenting your son or daughter.
IMPORTANT: Don't disregard this information if your child is not yet a teen. A huge secret to successful parenting is prevention. By reading this report and using the behavior log (explained in point #2) you'll be getting a jump on handling your growing child's needs today.
Believe me, solving a seven or ten year old's problems is a lot easier than solving a fifteen or seventeen year old's problems.
2. Print out our Behavior Log. Use it to keep track of your child's behavior for a week or two. Then you'll have a better idea of what you're really dealing with.
3. Is the situation with your child still more than you know how to handle? Then take a deep breath and another step towards finding the right solution for you and your child. Head over to Empowering Parents where you will find an enormous amount of articles and discussion written by common sense experts and other parents who have been in the trenches, too. I have found this can really help.
Back talking is one of many ways children show signs of disrespect. Disrespect is the underlying problem you'll want to deal with if you truly want ongoing peace and harmony in your family.
Look for patterns. Is the back talking a regular occurance? Or is it once-in-a-great-while? This helps you know whether you have a minor problem or a major one.
- What is your reaction to back talk? Do you tend to ignore it? Come down hard on your kid for it? Crumble beneath it? Your child is carefully monitoring your reactions to his back talk. You cannot stop back talk until you get control of your own responses.
Once you get ahold of your own reactions, you must take the lead in your home again. Why is your authority downplayed to the point where your child is regularly back talking?
Teenage behavior modification is a process, not an event. Determine what's really happening in your home, devise a strategy to move forward, gather the resources and help you need and start practicing your new strategies. One day at a time.
The process of how to stop back talking begins with taking an honest view of your family dynamics.
- Are you only truly listening to your teen when she talks back or otherwise acts out? Doing so sets up a pattern that becomes difficult to break.
- Do you spend time - face-to-face time - with each of your family members on a regular basis? You cannot possibly enjoy a vital relationship with people you do not spend actual time with.
By the way, watching movies together, texting side by side, these things do not count for towards this type of quality time. Not because they're bad (they're not), but because they are ineffective at helping us connect deeply with one another.
- Are you actively engaged in your child's life and she in yours? Do you know her friends? Have they met you? Does she know your likes and dislikes? Does she know she can count on your support in her school life, sports life, friends life, etc.
Teenagers talking back - and preteens doing the same - is as old as the family unit itself.
In essence, talking back to parents is a sign a child is looking for the parent to stop them.
A lot of parents don't believe that statement, but I can tell you from personal experience it's true.
Now the question becomes...
"how to stop back talk when it occurs?"
This method of how to stop your child from back talking does work and it does REQUIRE work. Both you and your teen will need to practice to make these changes, so look at relapses as opportunities to better your skills.
- During a calm moment, set up expectations and boundaries. "Your back talking is wrong and won't be tolerated here anymore. Our family will now be based on respectful conversation. If you choose to talk back again, _______ will be your consequence."
- Expect to be tested. Your child wants to know if you mean what you are saying! After all, it hasn't been this way in the past!
- When your teenager (or preteen!) back talks again, calmly and firmly repeat the consequence and leave the room. If you child rants and raves, let'em. Hold your ground. If you need to physically remove yourself to stay firm, do so.
Remember, while you and your teen are making these changes, also be focusing on developing a positive relationship. If you and your child have been simply living in the same house for a long time, then this will be hard and also take time! Trust me, it will be worth every ounce of energy you put into it!
Don't get frustrated by the rejection your teen may offer you. That's normal, but not how you want it to stay. Hang out in your teen's room just being there. No pressure. Ask your child to help you fix dinner. Ask her about current events; what does she think and why? Ask him to take a walk with you. Share yourself with your child when the mood is light.
In other words, relationship, relationship, relationship.
The answer to how to stop back talking is not a strict formula. Relationships never are. They are alive and the best ones are vibrant. Get to know your teen and his interests, dreams and frustrations. Set reasonable and loving boundaries and enforce them!
Eventually you will get what you are looking for. A teen who doesn't even think about back talking.
And that's when you will see the beginnings of respect.
More parenting articles for you.
Colleen Langenfeld is a mother with over 29 years of parenting experience and helps other busy moms around the globe at www.paintedgold.com.
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